Armed With A Phone: A Story Of Paranoia

Every morning, after the daily hustle to make sure I looked at least sort-of organized and clean for school, I would walk to my bus stop.

The thing is, I’ve always been a pretty paranoid person when it comes to walking empty streets alone. And it has been no different since 5th grade, when I started riding the bus. I was, and still am, convinced some random stranger with a gun is going to come down the street, hoping to get lucky and actually hit a target. Namely: me.

So I took precautions. Never directly look at the driver in the car. Always keep your backpack in clear view of the driver. That way, if they try to shoot you, they get your backpack first and don’t get any vital organs. Stuff like that.

And always, always have a plan in case you get kidnapped. This became more evident to me when I started to walk to my bus stop and happened to pass a nondescript white van every morning. I would see it, and briefly wonder if there were going to be men inside offering free candy.

Well, I wouldn’t be one of those bozos in the movies who fell for just anything. I was ready if one of those days, the men in the van decided I was ripe for the picking, an tried something. Armed with my phone, and a faint memory of how to perform krav maga, I would wait until they reached for me, bash their heads in with the surprisingly blunt corner of my phone, drop kick the other guy into submission, quickly grab the tennis racket out of my bag, and knock them out if one of them tried to get back up. Then I would cleverly fashion a rope and gag out of whatever jacket I had chosen that day, and perform a citizen’s arrest.  Easy.

Except then I would have no phone to call the police on. And also, me and my group of friends were banned from playing at the tennis court then, so no racket?

No awesome plan then. Would have to resort to the kicking, screaming and biting plan, hoping one of my many Asian neighbors would come outside to see what all the trouble was.

So lame.


2 thoughts on “Armed With A Phone: A Story Of Paranoia

  1. On a very dark Saturday night, I was walking alone back to my dorm, which was on the side of campus where all the streetlights turned off after midnight. I was wearing pajamas because I realized after taking a shower that I need to print something for the next day, so I had to go to the library which was (is?) opened 24/7. I heard a bunch of drunk guys behind me laughing and whistling at me. I only had my phone, my keys, and my report.

    I thought of way too many ways to kill someone with keys in that 10 min walk back to my dorm. Nothing happened, but paranoia really does things to you–makes you think in really weird ways. I feel you.


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